Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Days away to Christmas

Most people are excited, but I'm not. What gives away is that I worry too much about everything that even my health fails me. I don't care about not receiving gifts. I don't need much nowadays. I just want to be healthy and deliver my baby healthy.

Last night, I had a pinkish discharge and it bothers the hell out of me. I didn't feel anything. But since I started stressing about it, I feel like I'm having dysmenorrhea. My doctor is not around to assist me. I'm going crazy and it's not helping.

Too many things that annoy me. I just want to get through all this as normally as I should for my baby's sake.

Please God heal me out here.



Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Mother

I have always wondered why I always think the way I do. Too negative, too much pessimism. My view with the world is much lopsided, obscured and self-centered.

I always think of myself first, my comfort and my way. ME ME ME. Whenever I get into that ME mode, there's always this one person who comes every time and correct me. Or maybe I should say, enlighten me as always.

She always sees the lighter side of things and me of course the dark one.

I wonder how she does it all. Being a mom, a friend, a sister, and sometimes a father. At other weird times, she needs to be the enemy for good measure.

In my teenage years, I can't appreciate everything that she did for me. I was always jealous. Envious of the attention. Always thinking, always scheming. A real rebel by definition.

I always wanted to go the different way. I wanted to be different, bold and daring.

Now, in my current status, I realized how hard everything must have been for her. How I made our lives, not to mention relationship hell to cope up with. I now understand everything that she did, why it must have been that way. Maybe it wasn't the best way, but I couldn't trade it to any other anyway.

I still have much to learn from her. To be forgiving is at the top of the list, to be generous, to learn how to share, to care and really mean it. And maybe, just be a mom.

This is to tell her that I really appreciate everything that she did for me. Thank You Toni.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Interrupted Reverie

Why can't a day go by without being interrupted by insensitive people? And worst, those who assume that I would like to do something without asking me first.

Today is my birthday, and I would have liked for it to be spent in solitude since I didn't get to celebrate it like I used to. Hell, I can't celebrate it the way I used to because 1.) I am a gestational diabetic and buying or cooking any food is useless because I can't eat them to my heart's content. 2.) I don't have the cash. That's it. Plain old truth.

I am not really happy with my situation now because I always feel so hungry and the people around me always have those food that can really tempt you to death.


Now, they asked me to spend the night at the hospital which I abhor so much. I don't want this day to end hating everyone just because. But still I did.


Happy Birthday!

Hooray! This is my last year in the calendar. Why do I feel so young at this age? Too many things have happened this year, and I still have a month or so to go by to know what my fate really is for this year.

It's my birthday today and I feel that I conspire with myself since I THINK I'm the only one who remembers. Not really, my partner knows it and greeted me yesterday in advance, my uncle greeted me yesterday as well, my so-called friends didn't remember, how come I always see them when I celebrate? Hmmmm...


I kept waking up late at night looking at my cellphone, expecting that somebody might remember, but no, too silent and too empty.

It's not really a hallow point at the moment, but it would be nice to be remembered once a year. Don't you think?

Monday, November 15, 2010

Jesus At Work

Isn't Kermit a cutie?

How about that baby boy thing? My little man would be proud

Look who's here for a dip?

Can't wait to try it on to my baby, all those mittens, and booties...

To others, it may be little things, but it truly matters to me and my partner since we can't afford it at the moment. Truly THANK YOU.
Miracles happen every single day. Today, I happen to received it in great abundance that I was ecstatic with profound joy. It's my greatest birthday present ever.

Just yesterday I was worried on where to get all the funds for my child's things, and although I never asked for this, God gave it to me, and believe it or not, He gave me every single thing that I listed on that piece of paper. God truly hears the song inside your heart. He will give you what you need and not what you want.

I am grateful for these people out there to help us start our little family, aherm, extending our family.


Thank You Lord.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

little things

Went to the mall today with my partner and saw different clothes and accessories for the little person to come into our life. It makes me feel elated and excited at the same time feeling a little depressed on where to get all those financial matter to deal with the current concern.

But then again, deep inside I feel that it's going to be alright.

God will provide.

Up and about

Almost 2:30 am here and I'm still up. I'm too lazy to continue doing my cross-stitch and I'm too sick of looking at Farmville. And to add something to my misery, I'm getting hungry by the minute and my baby is kicking me.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Kids and the Ocean (Too Funny not to share)

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

If you didn't chuckle at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humour.

Baby Shower

With my baby growing fast in my tummy, my partner and I have been thinking about things to buy for the baby. All kinds of complications arise and my budget was cut tight, leaving us with a small margin to breath. How expensive it is indeed to have a baby! And I don't live in America.  My mom suggested to make it fun and somehow let us save some money, have a baby shower. Great idea! Only that I live in a geographical area where I don't have friends, and the people I encounter and my boyfriends family, who, in return doesn't indulge those kind of activity because as they say "it's for the rich". How come? Down South from where I'm from, my friends and acquaintances do it all the time, rich or poor. It's not for the rich, it's for everyone who is there to celebrate the coming of a new life.


I began to regret the reason that I'm here in the first place. Not because of the failed baby shower plan, but because I began to miss a lot of people and a lot of things with those people. Those who are willing to be with us through thick and thin, care with us and prepare with us. Here, I am just another visitor due for labor in a few months time.

The only good thing about being here? I have a baby to welcome to this world alone. I guess we can do the baby shower together huh?

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Journey to Motherhood

Pregnant at 30. Unexpected and definitely not on my wish list.

At this age, my goals were set to have a stable financial standing. Dreams of Uncle Sam, job hunt, money, house, but not babies.

Living together with my boyfriend with those goals in mind, I was on pill to protect myself from baby boom. Few months on the roll, I was delayed. Get a pregnancy test kit. Positive. Buy another one. Positive. Wait a few days. Positive. Then I had my menstruation. Relieved. I don't even have the words to describe how it felt.

On the next month, there it was again, this time I was three weeks delayed and I began to worry. Rushing to the drugstore, I bought one pregnancy test kit, awww, positive. I have to stop taking all the medications I have been taking. Scheduled myself to the OB-GYNECOLOGIST clinic because this time I was pretty sure this time is for real.

The trip to the OB was painstaking, she asked me a lot of questions, this and that. She told me to have an ultrasound taken just to be sure. There I was at the US clinic looking at the monitor with my womb in the screen, they said that it's my gestational sac with no baby in sight, but definitely on my early pregnancy stage. I was dismayed. This news would bring total disorder of my plans. Not a good news. I was asked to do another ultrasound in two weeks time. It was positive.

I wasted as much energy on sulking and crying. My mood swing was on the rise. My boyfriend tried to understand me as much as his patience can extend. Now, that's a good man right there.

I began to accept my fate since there is no turning back. It's there and hey, I'm 30 anyway. And ever since? It has gotten easier. I told my beau's parents after I told my mom, who by the way couldn't accept the change of plans. Now, she was sulking on my behalf.

What do an expectant mother's got to do? I kept busy. Prenatal check-ups, cross-stitching, shopping...sheesh..You can't deny me that since I barely fit in my old clothes.

I never said about my upcoming interview in the US embassy, correct? That was the plan that was going to be derailed. I am under petition by my mother. I have waited for this for more than a decade and it was going to be spoiled. Anyhow, things have come and gone. Now I focused on my pregnancy.

I have grown to love my pregnancy. I have learned to love my baby. I looked forward to meet this amazing gift inside me. I have wished for 'it' to move and kick, to feel 'its' presence. I got what I wanted and 'it' never let me rest when 'it' is awake. My boyfriend would tell me that I have gone crazy because I would suddenly laugh out loud when the baby moves. I can't help it, it's so ticklish.

Last October 22, 2010, I changed doctors, my new OB told me to do a new ultrasound. At five months, I was kind of expecting to know my baby's gender. I was hoping for a girl! and boy my disappointment was hideous when the doc told me that the 'it' was a boy. There. I was thinking all the while that I am carrying a girl. What am I going to do with a boy? I was raised with a sister. What to do? What to do? My disappointment was rooted to the knowledge that I won't be able to fix her hair, dress her up, talk to her about boys, etc. I am glad it was just a momentary disappointment. I welcome this new change. I have read somewhere that if God gives you something that annoys you, it is HIS way of looking out for you. This must be one of those things.

I worry about a lot of things these days. I worry that if I get approved for my visa, I will have to leave my child behind. I worry that I won't be there for his first year. For his first birthday, for his first smile, for his first laugh, first walk, so many firsts to miss.

I worry that I have to leave the child with my future in-laws. They tend to spoil the child, and I know it's not so bad if it's regulated. I have seen what the other kids were like and I don't want my child to be like them. They are good people, just that they love too much.

I worry so much that it hurts to think about it. My mind runs a mile a minute and I tell you that I can't keep up with it.

I wanted to be there. To watch him grow, to teach him, to learn with him. How can a simple dream for a mother for his child seemed too far out to achieve?

How can a mother love a child whom she haven't seen? My love seems to keep growing and growing. He is inside me but it seems I can't take a hold of him. My journey is just beginning and my happiness is being cut short.

I have to pass many roads, and this is one of them that's crossed. I know my trip will be long and not all of them are good. Some will be exhausting and some joyful. But I tell you, I look forward to all of them.






























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