Our Lady of Manaoag

Bored? Anxious? This is a good time to start a hobby that requires patience. Cross-stitching!

Sharing with you another pattern that I got. I didn't make this one but I wanted to do it. With Our Lady of Guadalupe still in queue, I don't know when I will ever get this done.

Credits

Come back from time to time to see updates on patterns.


Click HERE for the pattern. Do let me know if it doesn't work.

Belittled Soul

" I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him."  

 Booker T. Washington

I loved that saying ever since I stumbled upon it with the nuggets of wisdom booklet, but sad as it may seem, my heart is full of hate. 

My soul has been belittled ever since I can remember. My memory is stretched that far. I cannot understand why YOU are always very critical of me. Your love for me has always been conditional. You can love me the way you want to if I am going to do what you want, if not, then I am nothing and I worth nothing for you to deserve that love and that hurts.

I want to say I love you no matter what, but that's not the case. I need to forgive YOU, but in order for me to do that, I need to forgive myself first for allowing you to hurt me, for letting you control over my life. 

This life of mine has been a constant struggle for power, and of control. This is MY LIFE and NOT yours to navigate wherever and whenever you wish.

I can understand little of what you want because I cannot bring myself to listen to YOU anymore. I know that you want to mean well. I would like to think of it that way. But the words that come out of your mouth doesn't heal me, they only create more wound and scars that are never concealed. 

I want to bring myself closer to you but your lashing words kept pushing me away. And I don't want that in my life anymore. I don't want that for my son either.

I have struggled and have come this far to turn back to that miserable life. On this day forward, I will let go of your demeaning ways towards me. You exist but will not be tolerated. The harder you push, the harder I will push back. 

I am me. If you cannot love me, then I will love myself. I am tired of being so hateful and angry and hurt all the time. I deserve something more. I do not need to do anything just to please you, I am no longer twelve. There is nothing to prove. Goodbye.

Highway to Hell

I am into my journey with no possible direction. Nothing seems to interest me, even living sounds dull and dying seems inviting.

Coming to America, I thought it would liberate me. What was I thinking? I have become a living prisoner. Prisoners are luckier than I am. They can have the free speech. That's the least that can be afforded to me. No back talks. They can insult me, criticize me, make fun of me and whatever it is they fancy, yet, they don't expect me to retaliate. BUT that is just isn't me.

I am a straightforward person, plain and simple. How can a person who taught me to tell the truth and say what is right is so angry for voicing out myself? That person can and will humiliate me when they want to, the way they want to but CANNOT, I say CANNOT accept me to tell the truth about them. It speaks volumes. I am a reflection of that person.

That person treats me like I am a stupid woman who is raising a son. That I do not know anything. That I cannot do anything. I know better, but my self-esteem right now is going downhill. Way too fast. I will not wonder if one day I might just believe that there is truth in what that person says about me.

Somehow being a nobody, with nothing on my name, well, maybe except my son, keeps ringing in my ears. Just like some song that you kept on hearing over and over again the whole day.

Taking Off

I can't believe that the day will come that I will have to leave this country to be with my family. Real family. I used to look into the sky whenever I see an airplane pass by, envying the people that are leaving. Now, it's almost my turn. I can feel it.

Am I ready to take-off? I don't know. I do know that I look forward to the new opportunities that I am going to encounter. I also know that I am afraid, but I have to take risks. That feeling fear is normal because I am going to move away from my somewhat comfort zone.

There will be many memories that I have to bring along with me. There are plenty of sad stories and bad memories to let go, and too many good ones to cherish.

I hope that when the time comes that I will have to leave, aboard that plane I will cast away everything that worries me, leave anything that hurt me, and forgive the things that stagnates me.

When I arrive to my destination, I want it to be a clean slate. A fresh start, a new chance, and a positive vibe. Hard as it may seem, but I am looking forward to that.

Our Lady of Guadalupe - Counted Cross-Stitch *updated

When I was pregnant, I started this cross-stitch of the Our Lady of Guadalupe but I didn't get to finish it until now. I wanted to finish what I have started and I am proud to say I am almost there halfway!

In a way, I did it to protect myself and my baby for whatever is out there that can harm us. 

Anyway, I think I can finish this off in two months provided that I won't stop.

I will share the pattern of this one in the next few days.

Here's my progress sometime in March;

Our Lady of Guadalupe

                                                                            This is going to be the end result. Beautiful isn't it?


Well, well, now I am back with the Our Lady of Guadalupe cross-stitch patterns. They're FREE so feel free as well to download them. But do understand that some of those patterns were already highlighted but you can still view them if you zoom out the pictures.

I DO NOT own them, nor made them but rather bought them and now I am sharing it.

Click HERE for the pattern.



Come back from time to time to get some FREE CROSS-STITCH PATTERNS. Have fun stitching!

For questions or clarifications regarding the OUR LADY OF GUADALUPE PATTERN, please email or message me.

Tickle Your Taste Buds - Pork Nilaga

Photo Credits here

One of easiest recipes I learned to cook was the Pork Nilaga (Boiled Pork). It is one of the good food being cooked anywhere in the Philippines.

Yesterday had me craving for it so I cooked it for my partner and kid. I am glad my baby liked it, although I only fed him a piece of the potato and soup.

I am in the mood of sharing my favorite food so I will let you in my 'secret' recipe(smile).

Pork Nilaga Recipe

Serves 4-6 persons and takes 45 minutes -1 hour to prepare.

Ingredients:

1 kg Pork Bones (Or any bony part of meat of your choice) cut into serving pieces
1 medium onion, sliced
2 pcs. tomatoes, sliced
1 inch ginger, sliced lengthwise
2 Liters of water
2 Large potatoes, peeled and quartered
1 Chinese Pechay/Wombok, cut accordingly
Lemon Grass 
Salt to taste

This serves 4-6 persons.


Cooking Instructions

Boil water in a casserole and place the pork meat or bones and bring it to boil. Remove water, drain the meat and clean the meat residue in the casserole.  (I do this to remove some of the oily parts of the meat)

Place pork with 2 liters of water and boil. Once boiling, put in the onions, ginger, tomatoes, and leave it for 30 minutes until the meat is tender.

Add the lemon grass, and potatoes. Add salt to taste.

Add Chinese pechay and cook it for about 3 minutes.

Serve hot.

Good to eat when the weather is cold. Heaven.

Tickle your taste buds - Kare-Kare

Photo Credits from Kamayan

Living in Pampanga for the past two years has had a great effect on my diet. This is because a lot of them are such good cooks that you just can't resist to try something new to you.

Coming from Mindanao and a fan of veggies, certainly coming here was drastic since the place I live in doesn't really favor eating leafy greens. But I can't complain.

My partner's father cooks the most delectable Kare-Kare for my palate.

He cooks this pork hind/front legs into this tenderness that it almost melts in your mouth, it has peanut sauce, vegetables, and shrimp paste. Mouth-watering. Just Yum!

Spoiler: It's not advisable to eat it all you can.

Respect Life In All Forms

I have seen pictures like this and it never fails to make me feel sad.

I am an animal lover through and through, and seeing this again brings back those sad memories about cats I find then and now in some nook and cranny areas, trash cans and other dumps.

You see, in my country, animals are not fairly treated much like America.

 Here, though not all, they are treated like things that they can discard as easy as a crumpled paper.

I have seen my share of cats and kittens in garbage dumps, sometimes well enough, more often, they are in worst shape that I can only take them home with me to die with a little dignity. I try my best to treat them with what I have, taking them to a local vet for advice and some medication to administer.

This image makes me empathize for this feline, it needs comfort, and companionship. It needs a home.

I hope that more people will teach their children to respect animals no matter how small or big or what they are. These children when taught earlier, will grow to also teach their children. Respect is just a relative word. It doesn't really matter who it is you are giving it to. 

Countless times my life has been saved from being ruined all because of these furry creatures. If only people would understand how it feels like to have someone to love and care for.



In memory of all my furry friends.

Ador. Both eyes are blind from glaucoma.

Monet and me

Amiga and her kitten

Bogart

Heybie and pitpit

From Left to Right: Jaguar, Pitpit, Kaging, Papots, Heybie, Seydie

Papots on my exam day

Monet and Papots

Sam's First Steps

Today is the day that Sam officially walked on his own. Yay! I couldn't resist taking a video of his first steps.

 

Here's my little man, all too eager to walk it off.

Even if he appears to be sleepy and tired, this did not stop him from trying over and over.

Sam starts here with Ate Rissa.

Sam follows Rissa around.

Circling around the garage.

one, two, three march!

Taking a rest

When he gets tired, he reverts back to crawling.

Taking a rest again...

After an hour or so of walking, it only took him less than 5 minutes to doze off. Bless his heart.

Room in Ruins

I think my child is out to get me. He drives me crazy as much as I love him to bits! My partner is the same, they must have talked about this stuff when I am out.

No matter how much time and effort I put in organizing our room, it ends up to its DISORGANIZED state EVERY DAY!

They must have a mind of their own.

Our closet

1. I take the time to arrange this on a daily basis, but my partner just pull whatever it is that he needs and he DOESN'T arrange them back! UGHHHHHHH!

What do you say about this?

2. Courtesy of my partner, he only needs to get the deodorant, so tell me, how did he do it to make it look this way? Tell me?

The other culprit

3. Now this one here is another story, since he is a little child, can't express himself in a way that is comprehensible to me, he in return will throw away things on the floor or whatever that takes his fancy.

I am filled with a day full of pick-me-ups, pick-this-up and pick-that-up things, toys and whatevers. 

The toy drop

Carrying my tool box with my DMC threads

Walking along

Deciding to stay in one corner

 

There goes my DMC threads..sigh

Okay, I'm gonna leave you guys for a moment. I have a room to clean after. 

Shoe Fetish!

I am sooo in love with shoes ever since even if I can't wear anything beyond 3 inches because I think they will eventually kill me a minute at a time.

I found one over the net earlier and I so love the designs wishing that I can wear them!!! Oh God Bless FASHION!!!

Isn't it dandy?

Ah, my eyes!

How many outfits can you make out with these?

This one is my favorite.

My head is running with so many ideas with what kind of ensemble I would be able to put up with just one pair. I am even thinking of buying one, and pray the hardest that the shoes wouldn't kill me.

Which one is your bet? CHOOSE!!!!!

On Friends and Fears

If you have met me, say 5 years ago, you would say I am somewhat a different person now than I was then. I was edgier, always angry, depressed though not necessarily in that order.

No insults would roll of my back. Every stupid remark will be rewarded with sarcasm enough to shut the person their whole life before they would even think of insulting me again.

Looking back now, I can smile about how I played my life then. I was a b*tch in a magnitude I cannot even contemplate.

Why was I like that? I was lonely, and afraid. I still am in so many ways, but I cannot show them that. I have to cover my weakness with all those walls for them not to be able to get through me. 

Now that I am older, a little sensible, when I see people with their friends and have fun no matter what their age, I feel a tinge of envy. I want to have those in my life but it seems too late. I don't know where to start. All I have left in me is my anger, my loneliness.

 I tried to befriend other people, slowly showing them a glimpse of who is the real me. Instead, I got rejected, unaccepted and cast out from their lives. They cannot accept the real me. It is sad and painful. I try to hide the pain and act nonchalant about everything, but the truth is it drives me crazy to be in this hellhole of my life.

I want connection and relationship with other people, not just animals. I tried thinking what would it be like to befriend me. Sure I am difficult because I am straightforward kind of person, but once you get past that, you can have an ally for life, provided that you are also loyal.

To this day, after all that adventure of looking for a friend to trust, I am back to my shell. For the meantime wondering and searching if there is this one REAL person who can stand up to me and will stand up for me and with me.

I fear that I will grow old alone and aloof. I have my son, but he too will one day wander and leave me and I will be alone once again. All this is really depressing and makes my heart ache so bad.

I wonder when this kind of misery will end.

Tough Journey

After deciding to stand up and speak out for myself, I didn't have the word TROUBLE in mind. It was more of breaking free from what binds me in this horrible feeling of being enclosed in a tiny space. But I guess my stance was different.

Ever since declaring that, I have gotten in two fights in less than a month. Both involved a screaming match, stare down, walk-outs from those who cannot accept the truth or wouldn't face it, and a drunkard who couldn't face me and live to tell the tale of his ill will for me. 

It wasn't a useless match. They just couldn't accept that I have changed. That I am no longer the one that they can trample on and be silent in one corner. The me that they're seeing right now, is my old self that wanted to come out long time ago. This is who I am. I don't mind a relentless pursuit for truth, a determined personality to know and I cannot accept half-truths and outright lies about me.

I actually feel better about myself now that I have come out of my shell. No longer this walking time bomb that forebodes to explode anytime when pushed too far.

Somehow, I see myself now somewhat like a bamboo tree, bending together with the wind when there is a storm brewing but steadily stands up after it has wind down.

Standing Up

Finally, for almost a year of silence, I am breaking it up. I shall be meek no more. To hell with it. I have been sacrificing who I really am so I can fit in.

Now, I am breaking free for what binds me to that locked up cell. No more holding back to my inner demons. I will release them so I can release myself. I will take back what is mine and will stand up to what I strongly believe in.

To justice. Peace of mind and what nots. I will stand up for myself. Defend if I have to. Fight when I need to. If nobody else will speak out for me, then I will.

I am prepared.

2011: What has been

Few days short before 2012, I took the time to look back of what has happened in my life in the year 2011. I can say it was quite a handful and not all of them pleasant.

For the year 2011;

- I almost died in C-Section,
- I delivered my son in this world on February.
- I experienced the postpartum depression, and boy it was depressing...IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!
- Being a first time mom, I got a little overwhelmed, overprotective, manic, tensed every time my baby cries, wakes and whatever. That resulted to my fake SIL's tantrum and whatnots. Delivering a deadly blow to my ego, crushing my person with her fake stories, did a text brigade to every single relative she has just to destroy me...
- We moved in a boarding room, my partner and I with our son
- Sunk down low into a really bad depression episode
- Started working in oDesk with a friend
- Missed a working opportunity in oDesk with a friend
- I realized that I am just a talentless person in this world who thinks that she is special
- My turn to wait has turned to wait, yet again...
- I lost friends, so-called friends, best friends this year all to undefined reasons
- I figured I can never really write anything good. In short I suck at it
- I started my micro business, until now it still is MICRO
- I realized that I have a good hand in keeping money stable, if I really focused on it (wink)
- I realized that I neglected myself too much; that I allowed other people to step on me and take me for granted
- I see myself alone (without a partner is what I'm saying) in the future, with my son perhaps, but not with someone intimate, I think that's not for me. 

The list could go on, maybe I'll add something from time to time if I remember them, but I'll make one thing for sure, everything will change when 2012 comes.

The Christmas Wish List

If I were younger, my list would have consisted of something different, something worldly and selfish. It is true what they say, when you age, your priorities change and so are your wants. I don't know where mine lies, if they're totally selfish or not, I just know that they are not the same ones I coveted years ago.

Here goes my wish list for Christmas;

1. Companionship. The last time I remember, I wanted people to leave me alone, I wanted to be happy alone. I wanted to do all fun things, alone. And guess what? They did left me alone. Now, I thirst for the company a large group of warm people could bring in my circle. I have my partner and my son, but it's just not enough.There is more that I crave that just being with people. I want the connection. The sense of belonging.

2. Communication. I entertain myself, mostly. Sure, I have a son, but he can't talk to me just yet in a level that he can understand. I need someone to connect myself to. To talk about anything and everything. I get a lot of small talks but no substance. There is so much that I need to tell, so many things that I need to share and many more that I need to learn but I have no one, and that is just sad.

3. Family. I am not talking about my own direct family. I have a son and a partner, yes. I am talking about everything extended apart from them. It would be wonderful knowing you are a part of a whole. I thought I already had that, only to have my bubbles burst. I realized that I was never part of that whole thing I was talking about, I am just a crumb that can be dusted off at the table anytime, all the time. My son, he is family to them, blood relations and such, me? Nada. I want to be near my real family. Something to remind me that I belong somewhere.

4. Friendship. I am tired of being holed up in the four corners of our room. Literally. My son probably feels the same. I want him to connect to other people. To be sociable. To be with his cousins and learn to make friends and not be in constant contact with inanimate objects.

I guess I could write down a hefty list, but what's on here is what's inside my heavy heart. It may be that it's too much to ask, but hey, I've read somewhere that what you put out into the universe will come back right at you, or something to that effect. Who knows, somebody might be listening and I might just get what I want this Christmas.

A kiss from a stranger

I was at the NBI in Central Luzon the other day. While waiting for my number to be called, I sat beside a petite woman who was very friendly. She's giving off a light vibe that would make you at ease immediately. Even I, who is a suspicious person was immediately felt a liking towards her.

We talked about common topics, starting with the common ground, the NBI documents, and before we knew it, she started talking about her family, and surprisingly, I even opened up about myself and my experiences. We shared good laughs. It feels like I have known her for a long time rather than a few hours.

When our numbers were called, we changed seats making us sit with different people, but still she turn towards me to ask if I was okay, then she proceeded with her usual self, talked to the lady seated beside her, and the lady responds to her the same way I did earlier!

I envied her friendliness and familiarity with people. It is one thing that I don't have with myself. To be that trusting and open. To be friendly and open to small talk or any talk for that matter.

When we were done with everything, I even waited on her after she got her clearance. She asked me if I wanted her to wait with me, I was waiting for my son's grandparents to arrive. I just told her that it's ok and said that she can go.

She said her goodbyes after we exchanged phone numbers, and then she kissed me goodbye, like I was an old friend.

Merry Christmas no more?

Photo Credits here

I am saddened to read every where in FB that they have to censor themselves in greeting people MERRY CHRISTMAS for fear of offending somebody. I cannot imagine not being able to greet anyone MERRY CHRISTMAS! in high spirits. Friends or not, all people alike, you greet, you smile, they greet and smile back at you.

Even the non-Christians who doesn't celebrate Christmas doesn't make it an issue and still wishes you a MERRY CHRISTMAS in same merry spirits people are in.

I wonder if one day I would get fined, or jailed for just saying so. That would be the day. One thing for sure though, I won't change that. I can respect other religion and beliefs, I don't ask them to change theirs because I might be offended. They can celebrate their own beliefs and I can enjoy with them, for most of them that I know, they celebrate with mine without problems. I wish that we can go back into that time when there are no complications. If there is one thing during the holidays, it is to be merry, to share, to unite.

What is offensive about saying CHRIST? None. I can deal with the hypocrites. They asked us not to wish them a MERRY CHRISTMAS because of Christ, were we asked what we think about doing such a thing? Because taking out Christ in Christmas is offensive to us Christians. Too much for me, and I am not a religious person.



MERRY CHRISTMAS anyway.