Tuesday, March 27, 2012

On Friends and Fears


If you have met me, say 5 years ago, you would say I am somewhat a different person now than I was then. I was edgier, always angry, depressed though not necessarily in that order.

No insults would roll of my back. Every stupid remark will be rewarded with sarcasm enough to shut the person their whole life before they would even think of insulting me again.

Looking back now, I can smile about how I played my life then. I was a b*tch in a magnitude I cannot even contemplate.

Why was I like that? I was lonely, and afraid. I still am in so many ways, but I cannot show them that. I have to cover my weakness with all those walls for them not to be able to get through me. 

Now that I am older, a little sensible, when I see people with their friends and have fun no matter what their age, I feel a tinge of envy. I want to have those in my life but it seems too late. I don't know where to start. All I have left in me is my anger, my loneliness.

 I tried to befriend other people, slowly showing them a glimpse of who is the real me. Instead, I got rejected, unaccepted and cast out from their lives. They cannot accept the real me. It is sad and painful. I try to hide the pain and act nonchalant about everything, but the truth is it drives me crazy to be in this hellhole of my life.

I want connection and relationship with other people, not just animals. I tried thinking what would it be like to befriend me. Sure I am difficult because I am straightforward kind of person, but once you get past that, you can have an ally for life, provided that you are also loyal.

To this day, after all that adventure of looking for a friend to trust, I am back to my shell. For the meantime wondering and searching if there is this one REAL person who can stand up to me and will stand up for me and with me.

I fear that I will grow old alone and aloof. I have my son, but he too will one day wander and leave me and I will be alone once again. All this is really depressing and makes my heart ache so bad.

I wonder when this kind of misery will end.


4 comments:

  1. don't be so sad mol..friends always come and go..and have different lives..as a matter of fact i think our family is our only CONSTANT companion forever..although their will be friends but i usually don't expect that they are always available for me..so you're not alone in that. just be cool. enjoy life and think too much. :-)

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  2. i mean don't think too much..:-)

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  3. I try not to. Sometimes it just gets to you. Hormones? hehe

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  4. you were alone when you came into the world...you were raised without your friends around you...you became who are today with family around you and built up strengths with critics around you...you have friends but you overlooked them, then thanked them when they were around you during the time you felt you were left behind...any encouraging word from anyone is an example of an acceptance of who you are..just be who you are...

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