Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Journey to Motherhood

Pregnant at 30. Unexpected and definitely not on my wish list.

At this age, my goals were set to have a stable financial standing. Dreams of Uncle Sam, job hunt, money, house, but not babies.

Living together with my boyfriend with those goals in mind, I was on pill to protect myself from baby boom. Few months on the roll, I was delayed. Get a pregnancy test kit. Positive. Buy another one. Positive. Wait a few days. Positive. Then I had my menstruation. Relieved. I don't even have the words to describe how it felt.

On the next month, there it was again, this time I was three weeks delayed and I began to worry. Rushing to the drugstore, I bought one pregnancy test kit, awww, positive. I have to stop taking all the medications I have been taking. Scheduled myself to the OB-GYNECOLOGIST clinic because this time I was pretty sure this time is for real.

The trip to the OB was painstaking, she asked me a lot of questions, this and that. She told me to have an ultrasound taken just to be sure. There I was at the US clinic looking at the monitor with my womb in the screen, they said that it's my gestational sac with no baby in sight, but definitely on my early pregnancy stage. I was dismayed. This news would bring total disorder of my plans. Not a good news. I was asked to do another ultrasound in two weeks time. It was positive.

I wasted as much energy on sulking and crying. My mood swing was on the rise. My boyfriend tried to understand me as much as his patience can extend. Now, that's a good man right there.

I began to accept my fate since there is no turning back. It's there and hey, I'm 30 anyway. And ever since? It has gotten easier. I told my beau's parents after I told my mom, who by the way couldn't accept the change of plans. Now, she was sulking on my behalf.

What do an expectant mother's got to do? I kept busy. Prenatal check-ups, cross-stitching, shopping...sheesh..You can't deny me that since I barely fit in my old clothes.

I never said about my upcoming interview in the US embassy, correct? That was the plan that was going to be derailed. I am under petition by my mother. I have waited for this for more than a decade and it was going to be spoiled. Anyhow, things have come and gone. Now I focused on my pregnancy.

I have grown to love my pregnancy. I have learned to love my baby. I looked forward to meet this amazing gift inside me. I have wished for 'it' to move and kick, to feel 'its' presence. I got what I wanted and 'it' never let me rest when 'it' is awake. My boyfriend would tell me that I have gone crazy because I would suddenly laugh out loud when the baby moves. I can't help it, it's so ticklish.

Last October 22, 2010, I changed doctors, my new OB told me to do a new ultrasound. At five months, I was kind of expecting to know my baby's gender. I was hoping for a girl! and boy my disappointment was hideous when the doc told me that the 'it' was a boy. There. I was thinking all the while that I am carrying a girl. What am I going to do with a boy? I was raised with a sister. What to do? What to do? My disappointment was rooted to the knowledge that I won't be able to fix her hair, dress her up, talk to her about boys, etc. I am glad it was just a momentary disappointment. I welcome this new change. I have read somewhere that if God gives you something that annoys you, it is HIS way of looking out for you. This must be one of those things.

I worry about a lot of things these days. I worry that if I get approved for my visa, I will have to leave my child behind. I worry that I won't be there for his first year. For his first birthday, for his first smile, for his first laugh, first walk, so many firsts to miss.

I worry that I have to leave the child with my future in-laws. They tend to spoil the child, and I know it's not so bad if it's regulated. I have seen what the other kids were like and I don't want my child to be like them. They are good people, just that they love too much.

I worry so much that it hurts to think about it. My mind runs a mile a minute and I tell you that I can't keep up with it.

I wanted to be there. To watch him grow, to teach him, to learn with him. How can a simple dream for a mother for his child seemed too far out to achieve?

How can a mother love a child whom she haven't seen? My love seems to keep growing and growing. He is inside me but it seems I can't take a hold of him. My journey is just beginning and my happiness is being cut short.

I have to pass many roads, and this is one of them that's crossed. I know my trip will be long and not all of them are good. Some will be exhausting and some joyful. But I tell you, I look forward to all of them.

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