Saturday, November 12, 2011

Locked up

I have been wanting to write something these past few days, but sadly I cannot come up with anything. There are far too many things that has been going on inside my head, discussions, arguments, but I cannot write them.

I felt that there is that need to say it, to type it down, but it feels like if I do so, I am committing a crime against secrecy. The need to keep things inside, bottled up has been practiced far too long that telling what is inside my heart feels like betrayal.

I think I am suffering from an emotional block. It is rather difficult to embrace the change I want to impose upon myself. To open up and express. Seldom, when I do that verbally, I end up saying something different than what's inside my heart. I find it difficult to write them down because later on I would think of what to write nicely instead of just writing and let it flow naturally. I'm easily bothered by a lot of things, like, people to impress because they might say something otherwise about what I write.

I often berate myself over something that shouldn't even be bothered to make a fuss about. I think that's the problem. I am too focused on what others will say that I get lost in track and slowly, I crawl back to my shell and shield myself from what can hurt me.

I want to be able to deal with myself honestly, because when I am passionately angry, I have no difficulty expressing myself, and I want that in my writing. To be truly honest about what I feel. To tell the story inside my heart. To rid myself of all these negative things that destroys the epicenter of my being.

By starting this now, I think I am one step ahead.

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